Ah Tinder. The dating app that has revolutionized how we date and look for sexual encounters. Online dating is no longer just for greasy old men who touch themselves while being lathered up with hand lotion my friends! Gone are the days in which we had to separate the female creatures from the herd in search of the Holy Grail. It is a beacon of hope – a true and unique chance for all young single and sexually frustrated men out there.
We all have a dream upon embarking on our journey. That that one day… the hot girl who squats and has a fabulous rack will swipe right, find your opening cheesy line hilarious and suggest THE booty call. Sadly, this is not the case (did you really think saying “sit on my face” would work?).
Tinder can be an emotional and painful experience, bringing you through complex feelings you didn’t know that existed.
If you’re new, here is what to expect:
Day 1. The thrill. You can feel it. After coming into singlehood relatively unscathed you are ready! The She-Devil is gone for good! You can see it now – girl’s panties wet with anticipation, and it’s all for you! Distance to 50km (how far is it really?), best 6 pictures? Easy – no your t-shirt is not too tight in that photo!
Within hours you will experience the first thrilling pings that indicate you have a new match! These girls are at least a do-able 6 and they are just cooing at your stylish slick lines!
“If you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple!” – Cool as you like.
All those bad stories you heard from the lads? Pffft! They just lack your raw talent! Gentlemen…lock up your daughters!
You’ve been swiping for a couple of weeks now. Where are all the matches?! Is tinder broken? Is my location for discovery not working or on the wrong setting? Maybe the hot girls just haven’t gotten to your profile yet…yeah…that must be it…why else wouldn’t they be showing up?
Wham. You know it now. It’s you. That hot girl who you thought was sexy? Yep thats right – shes a prostitute. In hindsight, having a photo of you and your ex on your profile wasn’t exactly a good idea. It’s been awhile now. Who the f#ck said you’d get more sex in single life? All lies! Maybe she’ll take you back…this dry spell is getting out of hand! Oh god…you’re going to be all alone forever! Will I have sex ever again at this rate? Looks like its Pamela and her 5 mates tonight…AGAIN!
Saturday night. The lads are being loved with their respective ladies while the others are looking for session moths in Coppers. You on the other hand are on your couch very much alone, apart from your cat. All you want is some company. Resorting to a Tinder moment? Cringe…but things are reaching breaking point. Someone please like it! Chat to me please! I’m so alone…
Well it looks like you have reached a new low. Crusty socks are littered around the room. You no longer look through her profile. Looks like a female? That’s all we care for! Swipe right – every time. Distance to 80km. Age – any. Please someone…anyone…love me! Is it the openings? So many ways have been tried..
“Is your dad a boxer, because you’re a knockout”
“What’s the difference between me and my couch? My couch pulls out!”.
Nothing. Not even the fat midget from the Congo would reply. That’s right you are officially at that point.
Desperation and despair.
That’s it. You’re done. Delete it from the phone. No more will you let this warped app drain your battery and tease you with women! Tinder- F#@k you!
What is this sorcery? Your less attractive friend has gotten his bit from tinder? STALL THE BALL NIDGEY! There really is hope! You have a new lease of life. You are determined. If they can do it then so can you.
New photos, new bio…actually have respect for yourself and forget the bio. Google, advice on how not to be an awkward creature please! Ladies, come at me!
Boom! You have finally done it. Your first Tinder date. You’ve finally snagged someone who finds your awkward meaningless questions as ‘cute’. Sure let’s take that! Surprisingly, she’s only half wrecked! BUT! Who cares? Few drinks and she’ll look like Emma Watson in a Borat mankini. Nothing will ruin your sense of achievement. Johnnies in the pocket! You’re ready to go!
Whether you like it, love it or hate it, Tinder is a unique experience that our generation has been blessed with. Will you get a date? Perhaps. Will you get laid? Very unlikely. You may be unfortunate enough to fall into the tentacles of a relationship.
Regardless, it will continue to be an outlet in which stalking is deemed acceptable.
Tinder – we bow to your infinite wisdom.